No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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