I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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