Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
