I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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