I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
