Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
