I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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