everyone is single if you try hard enough
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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