Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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