I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
