It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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