i need an iv and a liver transplant
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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