wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize