I wish I only lived at night.
I am spending my child support on dildos
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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