i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
