Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You're like the curious george of whores
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
