No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
