Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
