I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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