i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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