He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
