in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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