dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
