I can feel you judging me through the phone.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
