I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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