I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
