My sheets look like a crime scene.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I made him laugh his dick is mine
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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