i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize