everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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