a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
