if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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