my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize