life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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