i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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