I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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