Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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