Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
