you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
