I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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