i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
