I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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