so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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