OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
