new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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