Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
