just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
