it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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