Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
