I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
