i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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