i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
