I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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