the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
