I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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