Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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