i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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