Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
