Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
