Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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