Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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