Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this beer tastes like vomit already
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
